On Monday, we did the activity of the 5 tokens once again but this time instead of 5 we used 3. I was feeling very confident. The amount of times that I had to speak was reduced so I didn't need to speak that much so "No problem! I got this." But there's something about me that stops me every single time.
I am an introvert, I’m shy and I barely raise my voice to voice my opinion. I consider this one of my most vulnerable qualities and I really want to improve this. So since in this activities speaking was limited, I thought that I was going to be a perfect opportunities to share my thoughts. Unfortunately, I didn’t. I was set that I needed to speak at some point in the conversation, but I couldn’t. I mean I did speak up and used my three coins in the end and I guess I should be “proud” that I even spoke. But it was forced. I was the last one of the group to speak up and still had three coins once almost the whole class had used theirs. Our teacher tried to ask questions in order to help me speak up and use our coins but I wasn’t able to answer. My mind went blank and I couldn’t even think which was very strange. I ended up asking questions to clarify or point something out that I thought was somewhat interesting. I used my coins but I didn’t feel remotely satisfied with myself. I felt very displeased and couldn’t stop thinking of why my mind blocks out whenever I try speak. I guess it was also the fact that I was taking notes as everyone spoke and I didn’t participate just to take the key points as everyone spoke, or I might have unconsciously “taken notes” so that I don’t have to speak and make an excuse as to “why” I haven’t said anything.
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